Betrayal is too kind a word to describe a situation in which a father says he
loves his daughter but claims he must teach her about the horrors of the
world in order to make her a stronger person; a situation in which he watches
or participates in rituals that make her feel like she is going to die. She
experiences pain that is so intense that she cannot think; her head spins so
fast she can't remember who she is or how she got there.
All she knows is pain. All she feels is desperation. She tries to cry out for
help, but soon learns that no one will listen. No matter how loud she cries,
she can't stop or change what is happening. No matter what she does, the pain will not stop. Her father orders her to be tortured and tells her it is for her own good. He tells her that she needs the discipline, or that she has
asked for it by her misbehavior Betrayal is too simple a word to describe the
overwhelming pain, the overwhelming loneliness and isolation this child
experiences.
As if the abuse during the rituals were not enough, this child experiences
similar abuse at home on a daily basis. When she tries to talk about her
pain, she is told that she must be crazy. "Nothing bad has happened to you;' her family tells her Each day she begins to feel more and more like she
doesn't know what is real. She stops trusting her own feelings because no one
else acknowledges them or hears her agony. Soon the pain becomes too great.
She learns not to feel at all. This strong, lonely, desperate child learns to give up the senses that make all people feel alive. She begins to feel dead.
She wishes she were dead. For her there is no way out. She soon learns there
is no hope.
As she grows older she gets stronger. She learns to do what she is told
with the utmost compliance. She forgets everything she has ever wanted. The
pain still lurks, but it's easier to pretend it's not there than to
acknowledge the horrors she has buried in the deepest parts of her mind. Her
relationships are overwhelmed by the power of her emotions. She reaches out
for help, but never seems to find what she is looking for The pain gets
worse. The loneliness sets in. When the feelings return, she is overcome with
panic, pain, and desperation.
She is convinced she is going to die. Yet, when she looks around her she sees
nothing that should make her feel so bad. Deep inside she knows something is
very, very wrong, but she doesn't remember anything. She thinks, "Maybe I am crazy[ Margaret Smith]
