“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”
Groucho Marx
“The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.”
Frank Zappa
“The 100% American is 99% idiot.”
George Bernard Shaw
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde
“I am not young enough to know everything.”
Oscar Wilde
“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”
Oscar Wilde
“He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.”
Victor Borge
“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain
“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”
Mark Twain
“Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.”
Mark Twain
“Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.”
Mark Twain
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.”
Mark Twain
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow
“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
Charles Pierce
“You have delighted us long enough.”
Jane Austen
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
Winston Churchill
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
Ernest Hemingway
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
Abraham Lincoln
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
Irvin S Cobb
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker
“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.”
Billy Wilder
“The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.”
Dave Barry
“It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.”
Caron de Beaumarchais
“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”
Ambrose Bierce
“Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.”
Ambrose Bierce
“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.”
Samuel Butler
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.”
Paul Newman
“It's a catastrophic success.”
Stephen Bishop
“I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
Abba Eban
“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”
Groucho Marx
“How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.”
Groucho Marx
“A man is as young as the woman he feels.”
Groucho Marx
“A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.”
Groucho Marx
“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”
Groucho Marx
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
Groucho Marx
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
Groucho Marx
